Self Love

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

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I am finally brave enough to look you in the eyes and tell you I am sorry for never reciprocating to the love you gave me, and that I did not deserve half of it. You could have loved me as wide as the universe was willing to stretch, it would have never quenched my thirst, because what I needed was a gourmet feast of self-love. What you succeed to do was love me the way he should have loved your mother, because you were mature enough to realize she deserved better. Which means, you did not break a single promise, did not lie and did not cheat. Love was when I was as moody as a pregnant woman, then after cheering me up, you told me that your life was still incomplete without me and my one hundred moods. You gave me the kind of love I played as I pleased with because I was young, only to grow to realize that such love only comes from the few that are brave, love so ahead of our age and time. It was the kind of love that thereafter, made you reluctant to love so fully again, because I had hurt you. You once asked me what you did wrong, and I was still not brave enough to tell you that I was the selfish one who was suffering from echoes of my father’s vicious abuse towards my mother, that when you gave me love that did not come in that form, it was furthest from my reality that it was too much. Should haves did haunt me like the things we often wish we could have said to those who have passed, so I want to be brave enough to apologize, and to say that your love was not in vain. If anything, it saved a girl from pigmenting every man a pig, it showed me that I was good enough to be loved, and it paved the way to the deeper understanding that I should never settle for any less. I hope you never stop loving so unapologetically because I am not worth it, I hope I have not taken away that beautiful part about you.

Love’s Indiscriminancy Christie FossilSoul © 2013

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All it took was one heart, one mind
To place my love under his feet
Leave it an empty carcass and walk away
To place my being all over his manhood
And cum my affections into disarray
All it took was one set of lips
To kiss my intimacies into spoken word spaces
Searching for involuntary getaways
So I decided to write to you my truth to say
I see it in your eyes today

I made love to his eyes
Which reflected the shattered pieces of me,
So that every time my eyes met his
I cried crimson tears
I made love to his hands that ever so intelli(gently)
Stripped away a layer of my dignity
Each time he caressed my breasts
I made love to his groin, which sculpted itself into a gyroscope
That beckoned my existence into a residual black hole —
The leftovers after he was done with my womanhood
See all it took was one heart, one mind
To place my love inside his propellant destructivity,
Leave it in an empty corridor
Dragging my light away
So I decided to write to you my truth to say
I see it in your eyes today

And as we parted ways, it was amazing how
His eyes became Lungelo
His hands became Siyabulela
And his groin became Kwazi…
I made love to all of them, all at the same time
One after the other, in shifts…
You know…
Like working in the diner from 6-12, the call centre from 1-7 and the club from 8 til 2
This made me cry four times harder,
With a panging so bad
But I couldn’t even share it with my mother
All in the attempt to take back each & every piece of me
That he so vehemently spent basking in my love
Only to drown my heart in pollution like carbon emissions into the atmosphere

I remember having to mount myself inside his tendons
In order to begin fathoming the greatness
Of being elevated by a love so graceful
A love beyond even myself, I confess!
I remember having to emulate the foreskin of his manhood
Just to feel how amazing it was to be engulfed
By a being so intrinsic to existence
An existence he only came to experience by virtue of my presence
I remember having to hang on to his pout
To grasp the serendipity found in the intricacies of my thoughts
When I was so lost in him….
All it took was one heart, one mind to steal my heart away

So I slowly began to take back the pieces of my heart
Which I failed to teach him to nurture
I slowly began to reconstruct my shattered perceptions of love
With the last ounces of compassion I still had left for myself
I slowly began to show me some love today
And in this way I returned to my whole self
And back into the arms of true love again.

So I wrote to you my truth to say
I saw it in your eyes today
And every morning as I wake up
I say a little prayer for you
So that you may also find a life filled escape
From Love’s potentially damaging indiscriminancy
Coz all it took was one heart, one mind
To put my love into a sealed off trunk of treasure
Drop it into the bottommost pits of the ocean
So that I may never love another day.

Yes I wrote to you my truth today
So that you may also be safe
From your own wreckless demeanors of self
I wrote to you my truth today
So that you may also find refuge
In the Lion of Juda-esque qualities
That dubbed I a conqueror
Banishing the chains of
My promiscuity.